We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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