Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
