You're so nebulous sometimes
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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