he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i dont even know how to be here
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
