Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
