U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
