Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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