If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
