I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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