Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
