some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
