just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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