I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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