saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
