I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize