dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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