if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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