My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Couch. On fire.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
