My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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