i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
