Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
40s are totally the cure
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
