I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Terrible idea I love it
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
