I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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