He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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