i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
