he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
