9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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