I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
