drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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