I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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