I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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