So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
