hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
