there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
