So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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