I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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