My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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