Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I pour the whiskey from now on
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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