We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
