If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
