Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
