Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
