I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
