at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
