The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I touched a dick in church today
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
