Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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