my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
