She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
