I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
