OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize