Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
