ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize