You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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